The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
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Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.