Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
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BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
This sounds bad:
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT