Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.