It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
You Might Also Like
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Actually cracking up @ this
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
*seductively eats two tums*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly