WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine