I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”