What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
How funny!
What a year we’ve had this week.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?