My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
A dead goose is called a ghoost
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.