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*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear