Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.