me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
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When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.