5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
idk what he going thru but i feel him
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so