I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…