I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
selena gomez
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade