(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip