Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My plans: 2020:
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
This anagram machine is out of order.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I have never heard an armadillo before.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.