If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…