My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther