If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
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MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
We’re all getting idioter.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.