How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
yea so i messed up lol
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
no cat here
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Going to church you guys need anything
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow