Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.