true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You Might Also Like
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Children of the corn 🌽
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock