Dune (2021)
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion