Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
good for her
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.