sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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Proofread twice, hang posters once
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.