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I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
The options really are this bad
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.