I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
You Might Also Like
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.