Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
why would tinder want me to say this
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”