OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.