My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.