Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
sistine chapel
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Your secret is safeish with me
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic