Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I hope they boil the right one.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.