If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
☠️☠️☠️
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.