A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?