Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what