Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.