POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
This will never not be funny to me.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
the three best gummy flavors, together at last