I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.