I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
You Might Also Like
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.