*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
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Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.