The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
when u come home smelling like another dog
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.