I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
i smell a pulitzer
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU