Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
#Caturday
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.