Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
You Might Also Like
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”