What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Mornin