I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
incredible
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.