[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I’m putting together a team
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
😬
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone