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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
That’s it.I’m out.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”