Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“I’m helping” 😅
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works