An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Meow
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
being a writer on Twitter:
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by